Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
