Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
actually, I'm a sock model
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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