my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
dude. I can hear the air.
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