Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
