you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
