I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
