I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
