The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Everclear isn't food dammit
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize