My boss' voice literally gives me gas
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
