Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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