Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
