Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
