I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
