My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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