Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
