When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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