oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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