I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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