i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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