Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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