im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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