On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
