Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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