You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
