it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
