I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
