I am midnight drunk by noon
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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