Apparently you make a good broom.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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