I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
