So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
