Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
