I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
