some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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