Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
