This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
