My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
