You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How does one acquire holy water?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
