Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
