Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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