I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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