I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
