i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
