Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
