Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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