Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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