um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize