just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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