Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
