if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
