im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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