____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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