How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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