Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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