i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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