Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
