I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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