i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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