I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
